


the hardest place to be is right where you are

by Milzilla



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: M/M, basically just a clean up of the 1x13 shitshow, begins with michael/maria, eventual malex tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 14:28:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18593149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milzilla/pseuds/Milzilla
Summary: when michael says that he wants to try things with maria, alex decides to focus on other things. and there's plenty of things that require his attention.





	the hardest place to be is right where you are

**Author's Note:**

> i was okay with a few of the things in 1x13, but the list of things i hated is definitely longer.
> 
> kind of a stand-in until we get season two. i don't usually write canon-compliant stuff but i basically rage-wrote this at 4am so i hope it's okay. also my first try at alex's voice.
> 
> also, someone tell maria about aliens for fuck's sake.

Alex sucks in a sharp breath and then lets it out in a whoosh, pursing his lips. That's the only reaction he allows himself. He wants to scream until his throat is hoarse because he's _here_ , for fuck's sake, he's _been_ here, but doesn't let himself. He takes every little bit of hurt that he's feeling, every crack of his heart, every white-hot pin prick of betrayal, and he buries it deep within himself. If Michael has never seen his expression shut down, the too-easy slide from the civilian to the soldier; he has now.

"Because you want to -- move forward?" He tries the words out in his mouth. They taste bitter. "With one of my best friends."

"It's not like that-"

Alex holds up a hand. Michael falls silent. "I don't need to know how it _is_ , thank you."

"I'm not trying to hurt you, Alex."

"No?" Alex asks incredulously. "Imagine if you were _trying_."

Michael presses a tired hand to his face and Alex notices his hand, how could he not? They're linked through shared trauma and Michael's hand has always been a reminder of his father, echoing between them. Max must have healed it last night or this morning -- and the first thing Michael did, the person he wanted to touch, was Maria.

Alex thinks he might be sick. It makes sense though. Michael had wanted to touch something unscathed, something untouched by the venom of Jesse Manes.

Michael sees him notice, opens his mouth to speak again.

"Don't." Alex says, shaking his head to halt any further discussion. "Fine."

"Fine?" Michael says the word like it's a surprise and a disappointment in one.

"Yes, fine," Alex repeats tersely. "I don't know what you want me to say. You want to date Maria? Fine. You don't need my blessing and you won't get it. So, fine."

He leaves the junkyard without looking back, hates that Michael has forced him to walk away when he was finally ready to stay and _fight_ for this. There’s only so much he can do in the face of this newest obstacle though, and he’s not about to become a crying mess in front of Michael’s trailer. Again.

*

He doesn't lose it just yet. Military training has dramatically improved an already impressive ability to compartmentalise and Alex had never been more grateful for that because _holy shit_ did he have some crap to deal with.

He checks in with Kyle, which leads to the discovery that his father’s in a medically induced coma. He can’t find it in himself to care, focuses on Kyle’s well being instead. They come up with a cover story to get him into the hospital, so that Kyle can monitor him and hopefully keep him sedated. Alex knows it would be easier to just kill him but Kyle is a doctor and it’s clear from his chosen weapon that he’s not completely okay with murder.

Alex looks at his father’s unconscious face and only sees everything he’s ever lost. His mother, his childhood, Michael, his leg, Jim Valenti, any sense of self-worth for a long time, _Michael_.

“We’ll figure out what to do later,” he tells Kyle later, even though he already knows what fate Jesse Manes is going to succumb to.

*

He goes to the Crashdown to check on Liz. There’s no reason not to be forthcoming about all the alien stuff now, and some alien bullshit had definitely been going down two nights ago. She’s been involved in so much of the danger recently and he just wants to make sure she’s okay. He doesn’t expect to find her sitting at the counter with her sister.

He gets an armful of two tearful Ortecho women and they all stand there for a long time, holding each other.

When Liz tells him about Max, dead but dragged to his pod by Michael and Isabel in order to keep him preserved, his first instinct is to call Michael. His fingers hover over the _call_ button as Liz makes them all milkshakes behind the counter.

Eventually he puts his phone back in his pocket. If Michael wanted his support, his comfort, he would have called.

He busies himself by talking to Liz and Rosa about how they’re going to explain Rosa’s resurrection to the rest of the world. He lets them know that his skills and resources are at their command, that he’ll use Project Shepherd to cover-up or explain whatever they need.

By the time he leaves, they have a plan and Alex promises to be back tomorrow. He wants to stay but they clearly need more time together and with Arturo, and he’s exhausted.

He goes back to his cabin and Lady, who’s waiting for him by the door with bright eyes and a wagging tail. He barely gets his prosthetic off and tucked away before he’s collapsing onto his bed and pulling the covers over his head.

It’s only then, in the silence of his cabin and with Lady pressed up against his side, that he lets himself cry.

*

Max is alive again within a week. Alex has no idea how because it has nothing to do with him. No one asks him to help and no one calls to tell him what’s happened until Kyle drops by the bunker to update him on his father’s condition and has the pleasure of dropping this information too.

The urge to call Michael is still there. To see if he’s okay, to hear his voice. He makes himself put the phone down, and searches through the Project Shepphard files until the screen in front of him starts to blur.

*

Alex throws himself into his work at first. It’s a tired stereotype, he knows, but there isn’t a lot to do in Roswell except drink, work, drink, and try to sort out alien stuff. There’s so much to do in regards to Project Shepherd, especially now that his father is in a coma and he knows about his brothers’ involvement. He’s looking for other facilities, any other potential alien survivors. He knows that there’s no way his father would have put all his eggs in one basket, and he wants to chase up alien tech as well. He uses the project to create a plausible cover story for Rosa, why she disappeared and why she’s back after a decade. It’s the very least that he can do and he likes to help, likes to feel useful.

He avoids the Wild Pony for a while. He wants to see Maria but he’s still angry and he knows that he’s in no state to have a rational, adult conversation about this. He’d never willingly hurt Michael and that went double for Maria. He tables it for another time and instead focuses on finding himself a job. His enlistment period is up and there’s no way he’s going back. It feels good to shed the uniform after all these years but Alex realises that it isn’t as necessary anymore. He’s already broken from his father’s hold in the ways that count. He leaves the air-force for himself.

Which leaves private, contract work. Alex likes the flexible hours and the pay is fantastic. He likes being able to work out of the cabin and never having to put the uniform on. There’s still an ache in his chest and the days aren’t perfect, but he’s alive and his own man. Most days, that’s enough.

*

Eventually, he talks to Maria. He goes to the Wild Pony when he knows Michael won’t be there and plants himself at the bar. He indicates to Maria that he needs at least one beer before they can talk. She waits.

It still hurts to look at her, though the ache in his chest is more to do with her than Michael now. He wants to move past it, misses her so much that he thinks he’ll choke on it.

She brings him a second beer and waits, always patient.

Alex takes the final swig of his first beer and places the bottle down on the bar.

“We can’t talk about him,” he says.

Maria’s eyes flash with something, surprise or something warier; it’s always been harder to read her than for her to read him. For a second, Alex thinks that she might protest. He doesn’t have a response ready for that.

“Okay,” she says. “Tomorrow, Liz, Rosa and I were going to -”

“Yes,” he agrees, without thinking. Her smile lights up the room and warms the part of his heart that had gone cold without her.

*

It takes longer, but he eventually reconnects with Michael as well, almost without meaning to. He’s supposed to be meeting Liz at the Crashdown for lunch and, because Roswell is a small town after all, Michael’s already there when he arrives.

He doesn’t move or approach, for which Alex is unbelievably grateful. It puts the decision in his hands, is probably the most considerate thing Michael has done for him since this whole shitshow began. In the end, he steps forward and up to the counter.

“Guerin,” he says, and is equal parts surprised and proud when his voice doesn’t waver.

“Alex.”

He looks good, like he’s getting sleep and eating properly, bathing more often than not and not completely haunted by the traumas of his past. He looks at Alex like he always has, if a little more reserved now, and it makes Alex’s chest ache in a familiar way. It’s different as well though; he’s not the scared little boy, running away to please his father and needing to hide in the fantasies of being seventeen. When Michael looks at him now, it might make something shift under his skin, but he’s firmly in the here and now.

“Here for the little green man milkshake?” Alex asks. They’re still feet apart. He knows it’s better that way. They’ve always had a certain gravity when it comes to one another. Even if Michael isn’t feeling that anymore, Alex doesn’t want to have to extricate himself from Michael’s pull.

“You know I only come here for the fries,” is Michael’s response. His tone is playful but Alex can see the careful way he’s holding himself. It pleases him to think that this still matters to Michael, even if the type and intensity of the feeling is different.

“Don’t let Liz hear you say that,” Alex teases. “Those milkshakes are her pride and joy.”

Michael laughs, looks down at his feet. Alex thinks that might be it, might be enough for today but then Michael is looking up again. “Are you coming? Tomorrow?”

Alex makes a face. He’d been debating the wisdom of making an appearance at Isabel's big _Everyone Is Alive Thank God for That_ dinner party for a week now. First Liz had invited him, then Maria, then Kyle, then the alien party-planner herself. It was the last place he wanted to be, the first place he’d encounter Michael and Maria as a couple, but Liz had asked him to come for _Rosa_ , as had Maria and Kyle, and then Isabel had stopped him in the street and told him he’d better be there because _You belong with us, Alex. Everyone knows that._

“Uh - yeah, I guess,” he settles on. It’s non-committal enough.

Michael’s whole face splits into a smile, like the rising of the goddamn sun, and Alex is furious all over again.

Dinner is awkward, but it’s good. The small smile that Michael keeps sending him throughout the night is almost worth it.

*

The first time he walks in to Michael playing guitar on the Wild Pony stage, Alex has to lock himself in the bathroom and sob for ten minutes. When he reammerges, he orders tequila, then goes to sit in the crowd and look supportive.

*

He tries dating.

He’s not always the problem but sometimes he is. He’s not completely miserable though; Jason lasts for a few blissful, angst-free weeks and the casual part of casual dating really helps him to settle into the kind of comfortability he’s never afforded himself in relationships. He lets them hold his hand in the street, kiss him in the bar, wrap their arm around his waist at the Crashdown.

He has fun and enjoys himself but no one really _connects_. He knows why and when they ask him, he tells them the truth.

*

He knows the exact day that Maria and Michael break up because he walks into the Wild Pony one afternoon for a catch-up and sees her puffy eyes, the way she’s fighting to keep her lip from trembling. He’s behind the bar and gathering her in his arms before she can say anything, pressing her to his chest and cradling her head in one hand.

“Tell me,” he says.

“What about our rule?” she counters with a sob. He holds her tighter.

“Fuck that. Tell me,” he repeats. “Should I call Liz?”

Which is how the four of them -- Alex, Maria, Liz and Rosa -- end up drunk on whiskey at three in the afternoon, surrounding Maria with nothing but love and warmth and understanding.

“It wasn’t even the alien stuff,” she admits, a few glasses in. “It just always felt too -- temporary. I wanted more than that.”

“Hear, hear.” They all drain their glasses after the supportive chorus.

When they finally straggle out, Maria catches him by the wrist. She looks like she wants to ask and he just shakes his head, pulling her into another hug.

*

Alex isn’t expecting anything, really. He does his best to be there for Maria in the ensuing weeks and offers his support to Michael remotely because they’re _friends_ now but he’s not entirely sure he could be a good friend to him at the moment. Maria eventually begins dropping not-so-subtle hints at him that maybe, just maybe, _Guerin needs someone to talk to, Alex. Someone that isn’t his sister or the newly crowned Alien Saviour King_. He’s not going to do that to her or himself though, not when the wounds are all still too fresh. And if he stares at Michael’s contact info on his phone sometimes, especially late at night, then that’s no one’s business but his.

It's a few weeks before Michael shows up at the cabin once afternoon, six pack in hand.

"Can I come in?" he asks.

Alex opens the door wordlessly.

“I’m sorry about Maria,” he says later, when they've been standing in a comfortable silence for twenty minutes.

Michael fixes him with an undecipherable look. “Are you?”

He swallows, thinks about lying. “I’m sorry you’re both hurting.”

“Huh.” Michael takes a swig of beer, leans against the kitchen counter. "It was mutual, mostly. I think she knew it was coming before I did."

Alex takes a deep breath, exhales. He doesn't want to hear this but he knows it's important, knows they have to be able to talk about it to move on from it.

"I think she knew the whole time that I--"

He can tell that Michael is working up to something but he doesn't want to make it easy for him so he waits patiently, fingers tapping against the bottle in his hands.

"Alex."

"I won't be your second choice, Guerin," he says. "I'm not a backup plan."

Michael puts his beer down and shakes his head. “No, that’s not --” he lets out a frustrated noise and steps forward, hands coming up to cup Alex’s face. Alex moves into his space without thinking. Fucking gravity.

“Listen. Maria was the easy choice, and that wasn't fair on her, but I needed _easy_ , Alex. And the second it got too hard--" he looks away, shame written clearly across his features. "--I didn't want to fight for it. I realised I'd been treating her like an intermission. She knew it too."

"She should've kicked your arse."

"She did." A small, fond smile. "You're not an intermission, Alex. You could never be a second choice."

Alex closes his eyes, tries to focus on breathing but it's difficult when Michael's thumbs are rubbing gentle circles into his cheeks. "Things have changed, Guerin. We're not the same people -- aliens -- that we were."

"Yeah," Michael agrees, voice warm. One thumb sweeps up to press against Alex's bottom lip. "It's good though. I wanna know you again. This you. And whatever you there is tomorrow."

Embarrassingly, that's what breaks Alex. He releases a sob. "Michael…"

"Yeah," Michael murmurs, then leans forward to press their lips together.

It's so small and so chaste but it has Alex shaking in second, hands coming up to clutch at Michael's hips, his shoulders, the small of his back. Michael crowds him against the fridge and keeps pushing kisses into him, not deep but utterly undoing him all the same. He doesn't give Alex time or space to breathe, to think. It's exactly what he needs and by the time Michael finally tilts his head back and deepens the kiss, Alex is a complete mess and he's more than ready.

"I love you," Michael says, when they come up for air. "I never stopped."

Alex grips him at the waist like Michael is the only thing keeping him standing. "I've never loved anyone else."

That pleases Michael, who drops a kiss to Alex's forehead and then lingers there. "Okay then."

"You have to take me on a date first," Alex informs him, pushing Michael back just enough to see the mirth in his eyes. "I mean it. Dinner and everything."

"I think I can manage that," he agrees. "Are you busy right now?"

"I think I just pencilled in some plans." Alex grins up at him before extricating himself. He grabs his wallet and keys, looking back at Michael with a fond smile. "Come on. We've got so much to tell each other."

It’s different now, _they’re_ different now, but Alex knows that’s a good thing. They’re going to be better. They’re going to be _great_.


End file.
